Finding Your Self-Worth to Be Relationship-Ready with Heidi Busche

Not many people find themselves in loving relationships. It takes a significant amount of responsibility, commitment, and self-awareness to make it work, and these things aren't easy to learn. Personal insecurities may get in the way, and oftentimes you may feel rejected by the person you love.

It's okay. No one gets it right immediately. You should remember, however, that facing your demons is the first step to be completely “ready” for fruitful relationships.

In today's episode, Heidi Busche shares with us the process of writing her book Relationship Ready: How I Stopped F*cking Randos And Started Cupcaking My Soul Mate. She discusses how she resolved her issues, how to know if your partner is emotionally available, and the importance of self-worth. This episode is for every woman who find themselves asking, “Why am I dating this person again?”

Three Value Bombs: Why You Should Listen to the Full Episode

1. Cementing your self-worth is essential so that you will not lose yourself in your relationship.
2. Being emotionally available means you're matured enough to talk about personal issues and work through them.
3. Dating is a process of gathering information.

Resources

• Relationship Ready: How I Stopped F*cking Randos And Started Cupcaking My Soul Mate by Heidi Busche
• The Relationship Ready Online Course
• The Relationship Ready Podcast

The Journey Toward Finding Your Self-Worth

On Her Book Relationship Ready

• The book depicts the lowest points of her life in her relationships with men.
• It also shows her process of identifying painful patterns that she used to repeatedly do.
• After she finished the book, it transformed her perspective on men and relationships.
• It allowed her to find a sustainable relationship with her husband right now.
• The book is valuable, and other people who are struggling with relationships can relate to it. She wrote the book to share the knowledge and tools she acquired from her experiences in dating men.

On the Trend of Dating Apps

• Dating apps make connecting with people more convenient, but we might struggle to honor our truths there.
• The attention and excitement dating apps bring are addicting. Thus, they can make it harder for us to be our authentic self.

Is the Relationship Serving Your Highest Good?

• Heidi found herself in a dark place in relationships that weren't serving her highest good.
• In her first marriage, she found herself compromising her feelings, and she felt suffocated.
• She was too scared to test the resilience of her marriage and stopped being honest with herself. She felt like drowning.
• Society conditioned women to push down their feelings and not speak up. Due to this, women usually have a habit of second-guessing themselves in making decisions in a relationship.

Heidi's Learnings from Marrying Young

• Heidi first married when she was 24. Now she believes no one should get married that young.
• On the surface, her marriage looked pretty good. It had all the trappings of a great marriage.
• Whenever she found herself unhappy in her first marriage, she rationalized her feelings and stopped honoring her truth.

On Growing Up with an Emotionally Unavailable Family

• Growing up, Heidi didn't have great relationship role models. Her family usually avoids talking about conflicts in their household.
• Due to this, she had a problem expressing her emotions. In her first marriage, she would be scared to bring up an issue, fearing it would put an end to the relationship.
• Maturity and getting the tools you need to advocate for yourself are important in figuring out what you want.

Heidi's Road To Recovery

• Heidi has been sober for eight years now.
• She has two alcoholic parents. Her mom overdosed on drugs and is now sober for 20 years. Her dad died due to alcoholism.
• She recognized that she had to be sober first to get mental clarity and know what is right for her.
• She recognized the importance of sobriety while writing the book because it requires self-awareness, willingness, and discipline.

Importance of Self-Worth in Dating

• So much of what Heidi put up with was due to a lack of self-worth.
• For a long time, she felt the need to compromise her wants when she's dating.
• Living with her sorority sisters at the University of Pittsburgh brought out her physical insecurities. Because of her lack of self-worth, she had trouble being with them.
• She pretended to be the “cool girl” willing to do and put up with anything instead of being true to herself.
• Playing the cool girl made her feel even more disconnected from her feelings when she had no self-worth in the first place.

Heidi’s Biggest Lessons In Relationships

• Heidi learned how to trust the resilience of a relationship. She learned how to come to the table, willingly going to her husband when something bothers her.
• She learned the most about being in a relationship by being with someone who is emotionally available and willing to work on issues with her.
• Outside her current marriage, one of the most interesting lessons she learned was taking a break from dating to work on her self-worth.
• Working on her self-worth allowed her to recover from dating failures faster to find someone who is relationship-ready.

Recognizing Emotional Availability

• Emotional availability comes with a level of maturity.
• An emotionally available person can come to the table, have a conversation with you, discuss what's going on in his life, and work on it.
• If you got divorced, Heidi believes it takes about a year to be emotionally available. The reason is that nobody who had a fantastic marriage with open communication would get divorced. You need time to work through it.

Women’s Obstacles in Finding Their Soulmate

• The wrong partner gets in a woman’s way of finding her soulmate. You already know all you need to know about the person playing you.
• Time is a valuable asset; don't waste it with the wrong person.
• Think of dating as information gathering. Go out, assess your compatibility, go out again, and then reassess.
• You can always change your mind as you gather information about your partner.
• So many women know a guy is unavailable but still live in denial and invest more time in that man.
• Women don’t need to give second chances to men who treat them badly.

5 Powerful Quotes from This Episode

“I compromise a little bit of myself here and there in order to go with the flow and get in where I fit in. But eventually, towards the end of my marriage with him, I felt like I was suffocating.”

“I had all these rationalizations and all these ways to talk myself out of honoring my truth, which is that we weren’t a good match from the start.”

“I had to get sober first to get the mental clarity that was required for me to feel my feelings around what was good for me and in my relationships with men and what wasn't good for me.”

“That cool girl syndrome was so painful. It was like death by a thousand paper cuts.”

“One way to know if someone's emotionally unavailable is if they can come to the table and have a conversation with you about what's going on for them and they've done some work around it.”

About Our Guest

Heidi Busche is a speaker, author, and relationship expert. Her book, Relationship Ready: How I Stopped F*cking Randos And Started Cupcaking My Soul Mate, talks about her experiences in painful relationships, finding her self-worth, and being relationship-ready. She helps women recognize and change their painful patterns around men and relationships.

You can connect with Heidi on Instagram, Facebook, and her website.

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Sobriety and the Importance of Being Honest to Ourselves with Laura McKowen

We dislike it when people lie to us. But somehow we tend to lie to ourselves more. It's hard to tell how we genuinely feel due to the fear of being ridiculed, criticized, or vulnerable.

The thing is, lying doesn't help anyone, moreso to ourselves. All of us have different coping mechanisms for stressful events. Some people act like a chameleon to show people they're okay, although they're not. But some go through addicting habits to hide the pain. All of us go through hard times; for us to overcome it, we must first be honest with ourselves. 

In today's episode, Laura McKowen will share with us her journey toward sobriety and the importance of being truthful to ourselves. She will also talk about her book We Are The Luckiest: The Surprising Magic of a Sober Life and give advice to anyone who wants to start anew.

Check out the episode highlights below. Be sure to subscribe and listen to this podcast for a thorough discussion!

About Our Guest

Laura McKowen is a yoga teacher, speaker, and author of We Are The Luckiest: The Surprising Magic of a Sober Life. She is the former host of the HOME Podcast and Spiritualish.

She mostly talks about addiction, sobriety, and saying yes to a bigger life. She had a long and successful career in public relations and advertising. After deciding to become sober in 2014, she is now a leading voice in recovery and personal development.  

Sobriety and Being True to Ourselves

Laura's Addiction and Journey to Sobriety

• Laura grew up in Colorado with a family who treated drinking as normal behavior.
• Drinking had become a part of her life in college and when she started working.
• She gravitated to people who drank as much as she did.
• She coped with her issues through drinking. It made her feel that everything is possible and made her forget about her distress.
• She later realized that drinking alcohol is a short-term fix to her problems.

Addiction as a Way of Coping

• Addiction is something anyone can relate to because all of us have coping mechanisms.
• It tends to feel good because it takes away the feeling of discomfort. After a while, you start to feel disconnected. It brings you to the end of the spectrum.
• Alcohol only works for a time.
• Coping is our body's natural desire to seek comfort until it manifests unpleasantly.

Motivation for Writing We Are The Luckiest: The Surprising Magic of a Sober Life

• After her separation with her husband in 2012, her drinking habits worsened.
• At her brother's wedding, she left her four-year-old daughter in a hotel room overnight unguarded. Her daughter found her family, fortunately.
• She realized that even if her daughter was physically fine, it must've been hard for her emotionally. She then started to work on her sobriety.
• She has always wanted to write, and it has helped her organize her thoughts.
• Addiction is a more significant problem than alcoholism. You have to peel everything in your life to fully recover.

How We Are Dishonest with Ourselves Without Realizing It

• While working on her sobriety, she discovered that she has been lying ever since she was young. She grew up in a dysfunctional family and had to learn to lie and play roles to hide her struggles.
• When you lie to yourself, you're invalidating your experiences. You start mistrusting yourself.
• She wanted everyone to like her, and it worked because people seemed to like the image she presented. Alcohol allows her to pretend even more.
• It became vital to her to create one version of herself to maintain sobriety.
• Women tend to be more dishonest with themselves because people-pleasing is perceived as a noble quality.
• Dishonesty can lead to resentment with ourselves and feeling victimized in our relationships and life.
• There's a distinction between being honest and becoming difficult.

Relationship with Social Media and Her Advice on How to Be Honest with Ourselves

• It's fascinating how much we try to pretend to have a perfect life.
• We must have a base level of awareness to be honest with ourselves.
• Writing journals can help us find our truth.
• Dishonesty is born out of adaptation. We're lying because we're afraid.

Laura’s Gift to the Readers of the Book

• Laura wrote the book for herself initially.
• She dedicates the book to mothers who struggled with addiction. She wants to remind them that it is a human experience.
• A beautiful life is available to all of us.

Lessons Learned After Writing the Book

• Used to leaving things early, she learned to become someone who stays with something for a long time.
• The generation today wants to escape.
• She believes in the human spirit and our capacity to triumph.

5 Powerful Quotes from This Episode

• “I kept drinking more to try to fix it. That's the thing. All these things that we do to cope, they do work, for a while. They're this short-term fix first. We find these little band-aids of things that work.”
• “I just started talking about what was going on because I had the sense that there was this much bigger thing than just like, ‘Laura has an alcohol problem.’ We're all hiding. We're all numbing out. We're all lying about how we're doing.”
• “You learn to leave yourself and to lie and not trust what you're experiencing. So I just carried that forward. I kept being that person because I wanted everyone to like me. I shapeshifted very easily.”
• “I was people-pleasing. A lot of, I think, women especially do this and sort of think of it as this noble quality. And it's dishonesty, right? Because you're not presenting the truth of who you are, what you want, and then it creates resentment inside of you, and you feel like you're victimized by your relationships and by your life.”
• “I also believe in the human spirit and the capacity to triumph in these amazing ways.”

Resources

• We Are The Luckiest: The Surprising Magic of a Sober Life by Laura McKowen

To know more about Laura and her journey toward sobriety, you may visit her website and connect with her on Instagram.

Please help us continue this podcast by subscribing on iTunes and write a review! Please share this episode with your friends, and don't forget to send us messages on Instagram or Twitter. Thanks for listening!

Living a Produced Life While Staying True to Yourself, with Carolina Groppa

Not only actors but also the people working behind the scenes bring a film or TV show to life. And one of the people behind the scenes is the producer. We know that a film or a show cannot exist without a producer, but do we know what exactly is it that they do?

In today's episode of Radically Loved, we're joined by a fantastic guest, Carolina Groppa. She is an Emmy-nominated film producer and the host of the Life With Caca podcast. She will talk about the reality of being a producer and her experience producing films. Also, she will share how yoga and meditation have helped her deal with the demands of her profession.

This episode is full of firsthand insights. Check out the episode highlights below and make sure to tune in to the full episode!

About Our Guest

Carolina Groppa is an Emmy-nominated film producer for her documentary, Autism in Love (2015). Her work also includes Miss Virginia (2019) and The Female Brain (2017). Aside from being a producer and an actress, she is also the host of the Life With Caca podcast. There, she holds intimate conversations with other producers about their experiences in the industry.

How Carolina Stays True to Herself

Life With Caca

• Even among people in the industry, they don't know what the different types of producers do.
• Life With Caca is a podcast space for producers, especially women in the field. Carolina invites colleagues to understand how they got there and what the lifestyle of a producer is like.
• “Caca” is not just Carolina's nickname. In Portuguese, it means “something messy.” The podcast looks deeper into how producers go through both the wonderful and the messy parts of their lives.
• The lifestyle conversation also tells stories of diversity and representation in the industry.

Mindfulness and Meditation

• Most people in this field are very anxious people. They're good at problem-solving and thinking about problems that don't exist yet. It is an excellent skill to have in the job but not in personal life.
• When she discovered yoga, she didn't fully understand it. A teacher broke it down for her and made her love the physical practice. Eventually, she learned that yoga starts off the mat.
• Yoga helps her lean into a place of love instead of fear.
• Be patient and kind to yourself when meditating. Set realistic boundaries.
• Without mindfulness, we can get caught up in the motions of life. However, once you are a “woke” person, being absent from your body and the world is harder.
• Living a balanced life means hitting your goals, big or small, one day at a time.

Becoming a Producer

• Carolina is originally from Brazil. Her family moved to Florida when she was nine.
• In her early teens, she discovered acting and auditioned for a conservatory in Los Angeles. However, that coincided with the writers’ strike, so she didn't get the traction that she wanted.
• She started producing to create acting opportunities for herself.
• She did everything from producing the show to marketing it and playing the lead; it was a huge success.
• Your brain has to be wired for multitasking to be a producer.

Life of a Producer

• Some producers take advantage of their colleagues, and that breeds a lot of misconceptions about the profession.
• You will never know where your experiences will lead you. But if you put in the work, success will find you. And you will only connect the dots looking backwards.
• You're never going to learn until you work on something.

Honesty and Authenticity

• There is a disconnect between reality and what we see on social media.
• Carolina started her podcast to break away from that mirage. The life of a producer is not glamorous every time.
• The more you practice yoga, the more you can realign with the most authentic version of yourself. That, in turn, creates a ripple effect.
• She feels authentic when she can make someone's day a little better or inspire and motivate people through her podcast.
• Because of social media, we spend zero time grounding and going into our bodies.
• Before she interviews her guests, she aligns with myself so that she can be connected with them. It allows her to have profound conversations with them, and they respond to that.

5 Powerful Quotes From This Episode

• “There's a lot of actors and comedians and writers and directors with podcasts, and they're all fantastic. But nothing, no one is talking to the producers. And as a producer, I know how frustrating that can be to have something you work on so hard, get a ton of visibility, and then you rarely get to have a moment to share your story or your perspective on that experience.”
• “I think with social media, oftentimes, we can just get a very myopic, one-dimensional view of what it takes to get to that one photo that you're seeing. And I've been using this metaphor, a lot, of a garden. It's like you're seeing someone's garden in full bloom, and you're not seeing the years of planting seeds, and weeds that you have to pull out, and things that you thought would grow and blossom that didn't, and the frustrations that come with that, and then what is it that makes people keep going.”
• “Lately I've been thinking that this idea of a balanced life is not an overarching thing. It's a balanced day. Every day you have to decide, “Okay, today I want my day to be 60% work and 40% home life.” Or “80% I'm going to relax, and 20% I'm going to do the work.” And if you can hit those, whatever that is for you daily, that is living a balanced life one day at a time.”
• “Frankly, you're never going to learn until you're just in it. And that's so much of this career path, which is why it's so well-suited for my personality of you just figure it out as you go along. And that isn't for everybody. Some people are terrified by that… It's always evolving. And in a way, it's terrifying. But it's exhilarating. And that's why I think because it can have these two very diametrically opposed extremes to yoga and the mindfulness is a thing that brings me back to try and find the middle of that pendulum. Otherwise, I spiral out of control.”
• “I think [freedom is] having autonomy. There's the freedom that we can discuss of, like I live in a country where I can walk out of my house, and as a woman, I can go pretty much anywhere, and do anything, and wear anything, and say anything, and most of the time be okay. There's still precautions, of course, as a woman, you always have to take, but there's that freedom. And I think having that freedom gives you ammo to have autonomy and to feel empowered, go after the things that you want to do.”

Resources

• Life With Caca by Carolina Groppa, available on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, Stitcher, and YouTube

To know more about what she does, visit her website, lifewithcaca.com. You may also reach her on social media, @carolinagroppa.

If you enjoyed this episode, please share it with your friends, and don't forget to send us messages on Instagram or Twitter. If you have any comments or feedback, please don't hesitate to leave a review and subscribe to us on iTunes.

Thank you so much for listening!

On Love, Life, and Loss: The Legacy and Teachings of Michael Stone with Carina Stone

Life has value because it is fleeting and impermanent. In the limited time that we are given, we can touch the lives of other people and accomplish different milestones. Nonetheless, it is especially hard for us to accept the permanent and unreturnable loss of a loved one who has passed.

In today's episode, we're joined by Carina Stone, the wife of the late Michael Stone. She shares with us how life is like over the last two years since Michael's passing and the lessons she has learned in this journey. She also talks about the inspiration that has encouraged her to put out Michael's teachings out in the world today.

Check out these highlights and don't miss this episode about life and loss that will tug at your hearts.

About Our Guest

Carina Stone is the wife of the late Michael Stone, a prominent Buddhist teacher, yogi, author, and the host of the Awake in the World podcast. Michael was the founder and director of the Centre of Gravity Sangha, which is a community of yoga and Buddhist practitioners. Carina stewards his legacy as she speaks about his life and teachings.

On Love, Life, and Loss

Meeting Michael

• Carina and Michael met in 2000 as a student and teacher and slowly fell in love. They became a couple in 2010.
• She was preparing to leave the community because she couldn't face him, but he confessed that he also had feelings for her.
• She had an awakening experience when she became a practitioner.

The World Comes to You

• The book contains Michael's teachings compiled before his passing.
• On the day he died, the last message he sent to the world was to his editor, Erin Robinsong, to thank her for the work she was doing on the book.
• Its contents, including the placement of chapters, are honed to Michael's voice.
• The point of the book is to be brief and potent.

Michael's Life and Passing

• He had lived with bipolar disorder type one and was experiencing an increase in its effects over the last few years before he died.
• He seemed to be doing well from the outside.
• Michael craved natural alternatives, opium, in particular, to the meds that he was taking.
• A few months before he passed, they were discussing how to downsize their lives.
• A few weeks before his passing, something in him went quieter.
• Before he passed away, he went to town to run errands and had access to a street drug. He was found unresponsive a few hours later.
• Michael overdosed on 100% fentanyl.
• He was kept on life support for three days to be an organ donor. He donated his lungs and two kidneys, saving three lives in the process.

Being Awake in the World

• Forgetting, checking out, numbing, cocooning—they all serve an essential function.
• "Vividness and being able to be in my body and the world at the same time."
• As a bodyworker, for her, it is feeling that her body is not leaning away from her center.

Moving Through Grief

• Carina mostly practices meditation and focuses on being a mom.
• She comes back to where she feels centered.
• She was ready when she met Michael in the hospital.

The Biggest Lessons

• Michael taught him that there's nothing wrong with her.
• The biggest lesson she taught him was sharing a home where he could always return.
• Lesson from her children: Children are resilient and vulnerable. They can handle so much, and they are hopeful.

5 Powerful Quotes from This Episode

• "In my process of losing Michael, every now and then, I had to let myself relax and check out. It was actually hard. There was such vividness after he died. Daily life was extremely vivid and awake moments and just all strung together into three in the morning. There needed to be a time for rest and for not being awake."
• "I think practice sets you up for those moments. And maybe that's the whole point is you're ready for those, where you're ready differently. And so when I met Michael in the hospital, I could meet him there. I was ready to meet him there."
• On the biggest lesson that Michael taught him: "But like, there's nothing wrong with me. Yeah. I think that I feel it more now since he died. I feel like I'm still learning that from him now since he died."
• "And I felt love, like we were this unit. And now, I feel like I see through this process, like our heart just has such a huge capacity, and where we draw the lines around that are really interesting. But kids really don't. They can just be so open and resilient."
• "I feel like life is a fabric. And the fabric is made of joy and love. And it moves around a lot, and various things move around a lot. I feel loved by the fabric."

Resources

• The World Comes To You by Michael Stone

To know more about the legacy that Michael Stone left, visit Michael Stone Teachings. You can also follow their Facebook page.

Leave us a review or any thoughts and questions about this episode! Please help us continue this podcast going by subscribing on iTunes. Please share this episode with your friends, and don't hesitate to connect with us on Instagram or Twitter. Thanks for listening!

How Yoga Can Help You Heal and Recover with Donny Starkins

We all feel the pressure of social expectations. Leading a life pleasing other people can lead to losing our identity and sense of self. Thus, it is important to make time for recovery and healing so that we can accept ourselves fully and extend the same love and compassion to others.

In today’s episode, yoga Instructor Donny Starkins shares how yoga helped him towards self-actualization and personal development. He also gives some insights and tools on how you can start on your journey to recovery and how yoga can bring healing to our body, mind, and soul.

About Our Guest

Donny Starkins is a yoga instructor and personal development coach. He is a former Division I baseball player, and pain and medication were constant in his life. In search of physical and spiritual relief, he embarked on his yoga journey in 2005. He now leads transformational classes with a focus on mindfulness.

Healing the Body and the Soul Through Yoga

Yoga for Self Development

• During his athletic career, Donny underwent seven operations on his left knee. Because he was in constant pain, he became addicted to pain killers.
• Yoga saved his life and healed his mind and soul.

Journey Toward Embracing Yoga

• When Donny started teaching yoga, he feared people’s judgments.
• He teaches some classes in upper-class areas in Phoenix and Scottsdale. He observed that though people live fancy lives on the outside, they are dying on the inside. So, he asked himself the question, “How dare I not teach the soul?”
• Seane Corn’s Off The Mat, Into The World leadership training inspired him to pursue teaching yoga.
• At the end of the five-day training, he created a monthly community yoga class called “Sunday Yoga Service.”

Going Beyond the Struggles

• Donny goes to an all men’s meeting once a week for accountability and to be of service.
• He also continues to share the message he learned from Seane Corn’s training.
• Little by little, he let go of other people's opinions and learned not to give them power over him.
• Now he is on a lifelong journey of personal development.

Being a Yoga Teacher

• He started as a teacher who was stuck to his small self and believed that he needed to be perfect.
• As a yoga teacher, he doesn't want to be put on the pedestal. He wants to be human and be one with his students and help them heal.
• He realized his mission—to teach a message to the soul in a language that everybody can understand.

Who Is a Soulful Teacher?

• A soulful teacher is vulnerable and full of humanity.
• A soulful teacher channels something from the middle of the heart.

What Holds People Back?

• What holds them back is their growth or transformation.
• People fear what others think of them. They are caught in the limitations of the mind or the story that they're telling themselves.

Social Media as a Tool

• He has a love–hate relationship with social media.
• Although social media stresses him out, he uses it as leverage. He holds on to his mission to share the message of healing through yoga to as many people as possible.
• You should be able to self-regulate on social media.

The World of Recovery and Helpful Tools

• First is the tool of breath and meditation. The Muse meditation headband, which gives biofeedback of the brain's activity, is a great example.
• The 90-day workbook in his coaching program is also useful for journaling.
• You should have the ability to surrender. Go to any lengths to get sober and break free of your addiction.
• You should have the HOW: honesty, open-mindedness, and willingness.

5 Powerful Quotes from This Episode

• “The more I started to chip away at the things that were getting in the way of me showing up as the best, the most authentic version of myself, the more just all the other opinions of other people don't even matter anymore.”
• “It's again that vulnerability and that humility that someone who you can tell is just channeling something. It's not scripted, and it's just right from the middle of the heart.”
• “In [the] recovery world, there has to be a willingness—like if you are struggling with an addiction, whether it's a substance or its sex or shopping, whatever it is—the ability to surrender.”
• “I use the equation ‘willingness equals freedom.’ If I am willing to go to any lengths, I can be as free as I want to be.”
• “So we can only love as far as we're willing to love ourselves. And when we can do that and we can truly love us, our flawed works in progress that we are, we will then not have to look outside of ourselves to try to fill a void that we can't fill ourselves.”

Resources

• Off the Mat, Into the World training by Seane Corn; Hala Khouri, M.A.; and Suzanne Sterling
• The Shift to Sobriety program by Donny Starkins

To know more about yoga and check some upcoming events and retreats, you may visit Donny’s website.

Please help us continue this podcast going by subscribing on iTunes and write a review! Please share this episode with your friends, and don’t forget to send us messages on Instagram or Twitter. Thanks for listening!