#WisdomWednesdays: Letting Go Of Relationships When Love Is No Longer Served
We value our relationships, romantic, platonic, or otherwise. So we find ways to make them work no matter the differences we have with the other person. But sometimes, some relationships are just not worth fighting for anymore. Letting go of relationships is difficult, but it may be the right thing to do. You have to know when enough is enough. You have to find the courage to leave when love and happiness are no longer served on the table.
In this episode, Rosie and Tessa talk about leaving and letting go of relationships when there's no longer love in them. Part of feeling radically loved is loving yourself enough to know when it's time to move on. They discuss the importance of gaining awareness about the situation and your emotions. They also speak about the nuances of leaving a relationship and facing the discomfort in making that conversation.
Tune in to discover the proper actions in letting go of relationships that are no longer serving you!
Here are three reasons why you should listen to the full episode:
- Learn how to recognize when love is no longer in a relationship.
- Understand the dynamics of a relationship as a two-way street.
- Find out how to manage your emotions and control your reaction in confrontational conversations.
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- Feeding the Soul (Because It's My Business) by Tabitha Brown
- The Beautiful No by Sheri Salata
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When Life Throws a Curveball
- Nature is the world’s best teacher. A bird flew into Rosie’s slider door when she was about to start a breathing practice while recording.
- Luckily, the bird is safe for now.
- The metaphor here is, sometimes, life throws us a curveball when we want to gather ourselves.
The Anxiety of Failure
- Tessa has been busy the whole week. But taking a break makes her feel anxious and fearful of failure.
- The anxiety of failure has been disrupting her sleep.
- Tessa is learning about the idea of “less is more.”
- The big lesson for her is learning to say “no” and trusting her intuition.
Tracking Your Sleep
- Rosie owns an Ōura Ring. It’s an accurate sleep readiness and activity monitor.
- How well the Ōura Ring aids you with getting quality sleep will depend on the type of person you are.
- Rosie hoped to get one for her partner Tory but seeing the data stresses him out. If acquiring the data about your sleep distresses you, it may be better not to get one.
- Contracting COVID-19 messed up Rosie’s sleep. Not getting a good night's sleep impacts her focus and overall function.
- For the past year, Rosie has been working hard to restore herself and balance her hormones. The Ōura Ring has helped Rosie be militant about her sleep.
A Placebo Effect
- Tessa wonders about the margin of error in technologies like sleep trackers. But she says that what matters is it’s working for Rosie.
- A placebo effect doesn't challenge the efficacy of something working or not working.
- Meditation can also count as an ancient technology for decreasing anxiety.
When Love is No Longer Served in a Relationship
- Rosie is reading the book Feeding the Soul by Tabitha Brown.
- The book includes a Nina Simone quote: “You’ve got to learn to leave the table when love’s no longer being served.”
- The quote is an ethos for Radically Loved.
- Part of being radically loved is loving yourself enough to know when love is no longer there.
- We’re quick to blame ourselves for things that might or do go wrong.
- Learning when to leave the table when there’s no longer any love comes back to our relationship with ourselves.
- Sheri Salata’s book The Beautiful No speaks about dealing with the narrator in your brain.
- Tell the narrator in your brain, "No, thank you—not helpful," instead of indulging a negative thought pattern.
A Relationship is a Two-Way Street
- It’s hard to discern when love is no longer present in a relationship that’s going well. It becomes a “you” problem when nothing changes with how you feel after years.
- Have a conversation with the other person and figure out why you feel love is no longer present.
- A relationship is a two-way street; if you’re not contributing to it, you’re contaminating it.
- Being in a relationship is a practice. It’s a matter of recognition and what you do with that awareness.
- Tessa's first long-term monogamous relationship was codependent. She felt there was potential if only the other person would do X, Y, and Z.
- It took Tessa six years to learn the lesson in that relationship.
- A lesson gets repeated until you learn it. At times, she still feels parts of that way of thinking.
Letting Go of Relationships That No Longer Serve You
- Leaving a relationship that’s not serving you anymore also applies to friendships, work, and family.
- There are nuances in letting go of relationships. Sometimes, it's necessary to leave the person; sometimes, you only need to set boundaries.
- It's a matter of mutual respect, acknowledgment, and expression of feelings.
- There's no one answer. But you'll need to know your values and what you need to do, and remain open-minded to understanding yourself and the other person.
Feeling Discomfort in Confrontations
- You don’t have to lack compassion or empathy; you only need to pay attention mindfully.
- Most of us want to hit the fast-forward button any time we feel discomfort. But sitting through the feeling becomes easier if you do it over time.
- It takes a lot of courage for people to speak their truth.
- Another nuance that comes into play in the discomfort of having the conversation is powerful emotions.
- Not everyone has strong role models in showing up with their emotions healthily when faced with this conversation.
Controlling Your Reaction
- You can’t control the other party’s reaction; what you can control is your own.
- Rosie recommends going straight to the source when you can’t control your reactivity. You have to look at how you’re living your life as a whole.
- Practice, sleep, stress, women’s hormones, and other things can compound into reactivity.
- How you express yourself would also depend on the type of dynamic you have with the other person.
- You don’t necessarily have to let out negative feelings directly to another person. You can direct it to the air, on paper, a voice note, etc.
Allowing the Cycle of Emotion to Move Through
- Allow the cycle of emotion to have its full revolution.
- Pause before you let a negative part of yourself take over.
- Still, your reaction would depend on where you’re at as a whole in your life. It’s all valid and part of the human experience.
- An emotional explosion is a build. Your mind will corroborate what the body feels.
- Rosie's bio-hack for emotional explosions: relax your shoulders and take big deep breaths. It will dissipate your emotional charge by at least 30%.
Ways To Manage Emotions on Your Own
- Write a letter, and let the rage out on paper.
- Go on a drive, and scream at the top of your lungs
- Toss an old chair or a journal in a backyard bonfire.
- The liver is associated with the emotion of anger. What you eat or drink can also affect how you’re feeling as well.
- You can also do Yoga Nidra, listen to binaural beats, or do rapid eye therapy. These practices balance the brain and bring you into the present moment.
The Body as a Miracle Conduit
- The body is a miracle conduit for moving forward.
- Reverse engineering is critical in achieving the results you want during teacher training.
- We will continue to repeat the same cycles unless we find what works for us.
- Therefore, we practice building a reservoir of awareness, wisdom, and knowledge.
- Coming from a place of acknowledgment and awareness will allow us to hold each other up as equals.
5 Powerful Quotes
[07:14] “The metaphor is that just when we want to gather ourselves, sometimes, life just throws a curveball or sometimes a bird… We can learn so much from nature.”
[19:04] “Part of being radically loved is loving yourself enough to know when love is no longer being served and having the courage or the empowerment to get up from that table and move on.”
[26:50] “We don’t just throw people away. I think that’s where the nuance comes in. Just because I’m leaving the table, doesn’t mean I’m leaving the room.”
[33:27] "Sometimes those feelings need to come out. You need to be able to be angry."
[42:02] “We’re in the school of being a human. Unless we can find what works for us and different ways to establish new neurological pathways, new patterns, new habits, we’re going to continue to repeat the same cycles over and over.”
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