Finding Your Self-Worth to Be Relationship-Ready with Heidi Busche
Not many people find themselves in loving relationships. It takes a significant amount of responsibility, commitment, and self-awareness to make it work, and these things aren't easy to learn. Personal insecurities may get in the way, and oftentimes you may feel rejected by the person you love.
It's okay. No one gets it right immediately. You should remember, however, that facing your demons is the first step to be completely “ready” for fruitful relationships.
In today's episode, Heidi Busche shares with us the process of writing her book Relationship Ready: How I Stopped F*cking Randos And Started Cupcaking My Soul Mate. She discusses how she resolved her issues, how to know if your partner is emotionally available, and the importance of self-worth. This episode is for every woman who find themselves asking, “Why am I dating this person again?”
Three Value Bombs: Why You Should Listen to the Full Episode
- Cementing your self-worth is essential so that you will not lose yourself in your relationship.
- Being emotionally available means you're matured enough to talk about personal issues and work through them.
- Dating is a process of gathering information.
The Journey Toward Finding Your Self-Worth
On Her Book Relationship Ready
- The book depicts the lowest points of her life in her relationships with men.
- It also shows her process of identifying painful patterns that she used to repeatedly do.
- After she finished the book, it transformed her perspective on men and relationships.
- It allowed her to find a sustainable relationship with her husband right now.
- The book is valuable, and other people who are struggling with relationships can relate to it. She wrote the book to share the knowledge and tools she acquired from her experiences in dating men.
On the Trend of Dating Apps
- Dating apps make connecting with people more convenient, but we might struggle to honor our truths there.
- The attention and excitement dating apps bring are addicting. Thus, they can make it harder for us to be our authentic self.
Is the Relationship Serving Your Highest Good?
- Heidi found herself in a dark place in relationships that weren't serving her highest good.
- In her first marriage, she found herself compromising her feelings, and she felt suffocated.
- She was too scared to test the resilience of her marriage and stopped being honest with herself. She felt like drowning.
- Society conditioned women to push down their feelings and not speak up. Due to this, women usually have a habit of second-guessing themselves in making decisions in a relationship.
Heidi's Learnings from Marrying Young
- Heidi first married when she was 24. Now she believes no one should get married that young.
- On the surface, her marriage looked pretty good. It had all the trappings of a great marriage.
- Whenever she found herself unhappy in her first marriage, she rationalized her feelings and stopped honoring her truth.
On Growing Up with an Emotionally Unavailable Family
- Growing up, Heidi didn't have great relationship role models. Her family usually avoids talking about conflicts in their household.
- Due to this, she had a problem expressing her emotions. In her first marriage, she would be scared to bring up an issue, fearing it would put an end to the relationship.
- Maturity and getting the tools you need to advocate for yourself are important in figuring out what you want.
Heidi's Road To Recovery
- Heidi has been sober for eight years now.
- She has two alcoholic parents. Her mom overdosed on drugs and is now sober for 20 years. Her dad died due to alcoholism.
- She recognized that she had to be sober first to get mental clarity and know what is right for her.
- She recognized the importance of sobriety while writing the book because it requires self-awareness, willingness, and discipline.
Importance of Self-Worth in Dating
- So much of what Heidi put up with was due to a lack of self-worth.
- For a long time, she felt the need to compromise her wants when she's dating.
- Living with her sorority sisters at the University of Pittsburgh brought out her physical insecurities. Because of her lack of self-worth, she had trouble being with them.
- She pretended to be the “cool girl” willing to do and put up with anything instead of being true to herself.
- Playing the cool girl made her feel even more disconnected from her feelings when she had no self-worth in the first place.
Heidi’s Biggest Lessons In Relationships
- Heidi learned how to trust the resilience of a relationship. She learned how to come to the table, willingly going to her husband when something bothers her.
- She learned the most about being in a relationship by being with someone who is emotionally available and willing to work on issues with her.
- Outside her current marriage, one of the most interesting lessons she learned was taking a break from dating to work on her self-worth.
- Working on her self-worth allowed her to recover from dating failures faster to find someone who is relationship-ready.
Recognizing Emotional Availability
- Emotional availability comes with a level of maturity.
- An emotionally available person can come to the table, have a conversation with you, discuss what's going on in his life, and work on it.
- If you got divorced, Heidi believes it takes about a year to be emotionally available. The reason is that nobody who had a fantastic marriage with open communication would get divorced. You need time to work through it.
Women’s Obstacles in Finding Their Soulmate
- The wrong partner gets in a woman’s way of finding her soulmate. You already know all you need to know about the person playing you.
- Time is a valuable asset; don't waste it with the wrong person.
- Think of dating as information gathering. Go out, assess your compatibility, go out again, and then reassess.
- You can always change your mind as you gather information about your partner.
- So many women know a guy is unavailable but still live in denial and invest more time in that man.
- Women don’t need to give second chances to men who treat them badly.
5 Powerful Quotes from This Episode
“I compromise a little bit of myself here and there in order to go with the flow and get in where I fit in. But eventually, towards the end of my marriage with him, I felt like I was suffocating.”
“I had all these rationalizations and all these ways to talk myself out of honoring my truth, which is that we weren’t a good match from the start.”
“I had to get sober first to get the mental clarity that was required for me to feel my feelings around what was good for me and in my relationships with men and what wasn't good for me.”
“That cool girl syndrome was so painful. It was like death by a thousand paper cuts.”
“One way to know if someone's emotionally unavailable is if they can come to the table and have a conversation with you about what's going on for them and they've done some work around it.”
About Our Guest
Heidi Busche is a speaker, author, and relationship expert. Her book, Relationship Ready: How I Stopped F*cking Randos And Started Cupcaking My Soul Mate, talks about her experiences in painful relationships, finding her self-worth, and being relationship-ready. She helps women recognize and change their painful patterns around men and relationships.
You can connect with Heidi on Instagram, Facebook, and her website.
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